


Incorrect Orange County Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [16]
Category: The OC (TV)
Genre: Are You Being Served - Freeform, Gen, Innuendo, Language Barrier, TV fusion, berenstain bears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-07-09 19:34:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19893169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: The Berenstain Cohens are a family residing in the rural community of Orange Country consisting of Kirsten, Sandy, Seth, and Ryan.Chapter 2: Department store floor featuring haughty floorwalker Summer Roberts overseeing her sales assistants with quirks such as Marissa Cooper, who constantly changes the color of her hair; her sister Caitlin, who is the youngest and speaks cockney; narcoleptic Seth Cohen; camp-acting Ryan Atwood, who lives with his mother; and penniless womanizer Zach Stevens.





	1. Source: Berenstain Bears

**Author's Note:**

> In this chapter, Ryan was adopted by the Cohens as a child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We follow a family, known as the Berenstain Cohens, as they figure out life together. With friendly neighbors and close friends, the journey is never boring.

**Ryan** : Give it to me!

 **Seth** : No way! It's my turn to choose!

[The kids are in the living room trying to get the remote control]

 **Seth** : WE'RE NOT WATCHING WRESTLING!

 **Ryan** : There's no way I'm watching _Little House on the Prairie_!

[The two grunt to get the remote]

 **Kirsten:** Okay, that's it!

[The remote falls out of the boys' hands and flies straight into Kirsten's hand]

 **Kirsten** : No TV for a week! 

[turns the TV off with the remote control]

 **Ryan and Seth** : But, Mama...!

 **Mama Bear** : No, sir, I mean it.

[Sandy enters the living room with sandwiches on the plate as he's ready to watch some of the hockey playoffs]

 **Seth** : Dad, Mama told us we can't watch TV for a whole week.

 **Sandy** : Your Mama's got a point. You two boys have been watching far too much television lately. 

[The kids look upset] 

**Sandy:** Now, If you don't mind, I'm just going to catch some of the hockey playoffs. 

[Kirsten takes the remote from Papa] 

**Sandy:** Huh?

 **Kirsten** : You too, Sandy. For once, the whole family is going to be TV free.

*******************************************************************************************************

****Summer** : **Everyone is doing such a good job. I think we should call this a cleanup party.

 ** **Seth** : **Let's not, Summer. And if you don't mind, I rather not hear the word "party" again for a long time.

*******************************************************************************************************

**Seth** : _[_ panting _]_ Gees, I don't get this tired when I play baseball.

 **Ryan** : Well, you're running much farther than second base, Bro.

*******************************************************************************************************

**Seth** : Do you think this sleep-out is a good idea?

 **Ryan** : No.

 **Seth** : Oh, good.

 **Ryan** : I think it's a great idea!

*******************************************************************************************************

[Ryan knocks over Seth's milk]

 ** **Seth** : **Brother! Look what you've done!

 ** **Ryan** : **Sorry.

 ** **Seth** : **You're such a furball!

*******************************************************************************************************

****Seth** : **What were Ryan and I doing then?

 ** **Kirsten** : **That was before both of you born.

 ** **Seth** : **You mean, back before there was a mall?

 ** **Ryan** : **And before they used to put fires out with pails?

 ** **Kirsten** : **Well, back before there was a mall!

 ** **Sandy** : **But not so far back as the volunteer firefighters!


	2. Source: Are You Being Served?

###    
Pilot [1.1]

 **Caitlin** : Cor blimey! Women drivers.

 **Marissa** : That'll do, Caitlin. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.

 **Caitlin** : Middle-class cow!

[ _Marissa glares at Caitlin_ ]

 **Ryan** : Having trouble with Marissa?

 **Caitlin** : All that women's lib's gone to her head, mate!

 **Ryan** : Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade!

### Dear Sexy Knickers [1.2]

[ _Luke reads a note thrown by Seth to Summer, saying: "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at five-thirty and we'll get it together."_ ]

 **Luke** : Zach, did you write this note?

 **Zach** : Write it? I don't even understand it!

 **Ryan** : Certainly not, Zach wouldn't write "Dear Sexy [Knickers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knickers)", you would have said "Dear Sexy [Bloomers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloomers_\(clothing\))", wouldn't you?

 **Zach** : I would very much doubt it.

 **Luke** : Did you write the note, Ryan?

 **Ryan** : No, but thanks for the compliment.

\---------------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.

 **Summer** : Well, I thought [Burt Reynolds](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burt_Reynolds) looked quite sexy.

 **Marissa** : Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.

\-------------------------------------------------

 **Summer** : [ _On telephone, thinking she's speaking with Luke_ ] If I have anymore of your ol' guff, I'll have you on the carpet.

 **Zach** : [ _Hanging up, dumbstruck_ ] Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.

### Our Figures Are Slipping [1.3]

_[Seth inviting Summer to the movies]_

**Summer** : What's on?

 **Seth** : Well, there's _Bambi_ in Studio Two, then around the corner there's _The Unsatisfied Virgin_... I've seen _Bambi_.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 **Eddie** : I always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Seth. I think if you could smile more, that would help.

 **Seth** : Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Eddie.

 **Eddie** : Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?

 **Seth** : Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!

 **Eddie** : Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.

 **Seth** : Thank you, yes. [ _Sits at Eddie's desk. Eddie sits in the chair opposite_ ) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.

 **Eddie** : In [Highgate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highgate), isn't it?

 **Seth** : Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.

 **Eddie** : I had no idea!

 **Seth** : Yes... Well... [ _Pretending to hold back tears_ ] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Eddie, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.

 **Eddie** : [ _Blows nose_ ] This really is a terrible story!

 **Seth** : [ _Surprised_ ] Is it?!

### C]------------------------

 **Marissa** : Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary. He threw me flat on me face and said: "Look out, here comes a big one!".

 **Seth** : They didn't have much time for chatting in those days.

\-----------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : You will wear pyjamas tonight, Summer! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?

 **Summer** : Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!

### ]--------------------------------

 **Caitlin** : Luke Ward, RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Katterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar.

 **Zach** : That's Young Caleb?

 **Seth** : Old Caleb doesn't get about very much.

 **Marissa** : [ _Drunk_ ] Well, Luke, it looks as though we'll be tripping the life lantastic...

 **Luke** : I beg your pardon?!

 **Ryan** : She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

### ]------------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : What is it, Caitlin?

 **Caitlin** : Did you put in an order for twenty-seven galvanised buckets?

 **Marissa** : And what would I be doing in Ladies' department with twenty-seven galvanised buckets? This is the Ladies' department, not a farmyard!

 **Caitlin** : We could be milking a jersey.

 **Zach** : [ _About customer_ ] He's looking for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.

 **Ryan** : Aren't we all?

_st]-------------------------------------------_

**Summer** : You ready?

 **Marissa** : No, no I can nip it in a bit more yet. [ _Breathes in_ ] Now! [ _Summer checks tape measure_ ] What is it?

 **Summer** : 77

 **Marissa** : Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric?

 **Summer** : Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares.

 **Marissa** : Centipedes, Summer.

### ]-----------------------------------------

 **Ryan** : You're probably wondering why I'm walking like this, Luke; I've done my back in.

 **Luke** : I hadn't noticed any difference.

\---------------------------------------------------

 **Sister** : [ _Taking Seth' temperature_ ] You're normal.

 **Ryan** : Yes, but we're working on it!

### W]------------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : There's a naked man in there, in his underpants!

 **Ryan** : That's nothing Marissa, you wait till the honeymoon!

### ]-----------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : [ _Drunk, about Eddie_ ] Oooh, twiddle his knob someone, he's out of focus!

 **Summer** : Well it's either that or take him with me mum's washings to the launderette.

 **Seth** : I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.

\------------------------------------------------

 **Young Caleb** : Well I'll be one tight long, I always go to the club on Tuesday evening.

 **Eddie** : Oh, oh yes, the Bridge Club.

 **Young Caleb** : No, no, no, the strip club.

\------------------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : Some of us have long memories, you know – I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!

 **Seth** : All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.

]---------------------------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : "You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt."

 **Zach** : I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.

 **Ryan** : Oh, it's treats!

 **Zach** : Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.

 **Seth** : Having a bath with Zach, are you?

 **Zach** : I don't find that amusing!

 **Seth** : Come to think of it, neither would I.

\---------------------------------------

 **Marissa** : You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola."

 **Summer** : Gorgonzola isn't German!

 **Marissa** : Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!

\----------------------------------------

 **Seth** : Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German for "cuff links" is.

 **Ryan** : What?

 **Seth** : _Manschettenknopf._

 **Ryan** : I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.

\-----------------------------------

 **Zach** : This is a funny name for a sweater: _Mit die Hände gewaschen_. [ _[sic](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sic#Adverb)_ ]

 **Luke** : That means: Wash by hand.

 **Seth** : It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Luke.

 **Luke** : I had to study it during the war, you know.

\--------------------------------------

 **Caitlin** : _Ausfahrt._

 **Luke** : I beg your pardon?

 **Caitlin** : _Ausfahrt._ What's that mean, then?

 **Luke** : The way out, Caitlin, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.

 **Marissa** : I'm not selling German Sex Knickers.

 **Luke** : _Sechs_ is just the German word for six.

 **Summer** : What do they use for sex?

 **Caitlin** : Same as they use everywhere else.

\------------------------------------

 **Caitlin** : Here you are Marissa, twelve bras.

 **Marissa** : I wonder what the German is for them... _Bustenhalter_? [ _Summer pulls out a very large bra_ ] Blimey, whatever size is that?

 **Summer** : It says here _clean_.

 **Luke** : _Klein_ Summer, it means small.

 **Marissa** : They're well built, those German girls.

\--------------------------------------------

### Shoulder to Shoulder [3.7]

 **Eddie** : Oh, Theresa, where's the maintenance file?"

 **Theresa** : You mean the one marked "Decoration"?

 **Eddie** : Yes.

 **Theresa** : I filed it yesterday under "A".

 **Eddie** : Under "A"?

 **Theresa** : Yes, I file most things under "A".

 **Eddie** : I don't quite follow.

 **Theresa** : Well, **A** letter, **A** sales report, **A** customer's complaint.

 **Luke** : **A** very difficult way of finding anything.

\-----------------------------------------------

_[To telephone customer]_

**Ryan** : We'll do your inside leg. [ _Aside, to Seth_ ] This should be fun.

 **Seth** : You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.

\------------------------------------------------

_[ Luke beckons Marissa with a wave]_

**Marissa** : I do not respond to waves."

 **Summer** : What about that man you met on your holiday?

 **Marissa** : Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!

\---------------------------------------------

[ _Seth has just made a cheeky remark to Marissa_ ]

 **Marissa** : Luke, would you use your senior position to tell Seth to shut his cake hole?!

 **Luke** : Seth, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Caleb Brothers.

 **Ryan** : That's one of the qualifications.

 **Seth** : You nearly got me the sack then.

 **Marissa** : You should have been put in one at birth.

\-------------------------------------------

 **Ryan** : This sweater is half man-made wool, half polyester fiber.

 **Newlywed Male Customer** : Surely that's man-made as well.

 **Ryan** : Ah, yes, but it's made by different men.

\----------------------------------------

 **Newlywed Male Customer** : Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I?

 **Seth** : Is he or isn't he?

 **Ryan** : I don't know, but I'd think it'd help if there was a rush.

\---------------------------------------

[ _Marissa needs to pad out a bra on a male dummy_ ]

 **Seth** : Marissa wants to know if she can borrow a couple of pairs of socks to stuff down her bra.

 **Ryan** : She's not going to talk to those workmen again, is she?

\---------------------------------

### New Look [3.8]

 **Marissa** : It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know. My pussy got soaking wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left!

 **Eddie** : Perhaps you'd like to open the box?

 **Seth** : Or will you take the money?

\-------------------------

 **Eddie** : These aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all.

 **Ryan** : Perhaps you need an icepack?

 **Marissa** : How about having a woman?

 **Seth** : No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirins.


End file.
